For the last week in France and from next week in the UK, schools are closed and many parents will be forced to work from home. They say that holidays can be stressful as families arn't used to spending so much time together. Just imagine what it's going to be like when you are trying to juggle your work and the kids work and the kids needs and your partners work and then throw in a reduction in income for many plus restrictions on your social life - it's a disaster just waiting to happen !!
Chris and I have been self employed for 24 years and have spent little time apart as we effectively both work from home, apart from a supermarket trip or a school run we have been together 24/7 . Every family is different of course but if we can give any advice at all on how to make it work - it comes down to two words RULES and ROUTINE ! My sister would reel in horror at either of those (sister quote '' people who are organised are boring'') whereas we thrive on them !
First of all just remember that if the only things your kids learn between now and September are how to be bored, how to entertain themselves, how to load the dishwasher, do a washing load, make their beds, make themselves some lunch, clean the loo and the bath then it's not so bad - they are life skills that are far more useful than algebra ! So don't get too stressed about juggling work and 'home schooling' .
As soon as I knew the schools were closing here in France, we sat down as a family and came up with some rules and a routine of how things were going to work. Our two boys are no longer the angelic brothers you see above. They are 17 and 15 and have their own minds and are both bigger than me ! But this is something we have always done since they were little. One of the best ways we have found, of avoiding household conflict, tantrums and slammed doors is agreement on what is FAIR. If everyone thinks it is fair, then it's more likely to work. Even when they were tiny toddlers we would sit and talk about fairness and try and get agreement through 'using our words' . Obviously the smaller they are the harder it can be and I profess to not succeeding in my aim on many occasion ! But persevere, as in our experience it pays dividends when they are older.
Rules are everywhere and they are what makes life work. They stop people infringing on the rights of others and they are just as important for toddlers as they are for teens and of course for adults. When you are all living and working under one roof with potential obligatory confinement too, they are even more important.
Parents need to have some basic rules in place which suit their work and home life, there are no hard and fast ones as everyone's different but it helps to have them in place at the beginning and agreed by everyone so everyone knows where they stand. Examples such as :
- GOOD MORNING/ GOODNIGHT - No coming into the parents bedroom/office before ?am ( ? being the hour you choose as long as it's reasonable for the age of the child) unless of course they are sick or the house is on fire ! Thomas had a clock when he was little that showed when it was night and day and he wasn't to get up before it was 'day' - it worked, 'most' of the time. This gives you time to get a good nights rest or perhaps get up early and get some work done. Set bedtimes - with no school and no work to go to, you'll have some flexibility, however everyone should be aware and agree to a set bedtime.
- CUPPA TIME - Parents when working and living together with their children in close proximity also need time out during the day. This is our 'Cuppa' time, where the children cannot disturb us (usually for 15 mins or so a couple of times a day) where we can talk about the kids, or just about what we are up to. When the kids are little you need to prepare an activity they can do alone during this time like a puzzle or colouring - they don't need to be locked away in another room, they just need to know that this is your 'do not disturb' time . If the kids respect this then they need to be rewarded by giving them some undivided attention for say, 15 mins afterwards - don't just go straight back to 'work' - play a game, talk to them and praise them for letting you have your 'cup of tea in peace !'
- ELECTRONICS - No playing on electronic devices before ?am or after ?pm - again this is something to be negotiated and agreed on by the parents and the children dependent on age etc Thomas at one point was waking purposefully at 5am and getting up to play on Fortnite before school - so we had to crack down, so now there is no electronics at all on a school day and not before 7am on a weekend or holidays and then it is time limited. Even on holidays they must be off electronics (and this includes netflix, tv - unless it's the news, social media, dvds etc) showered, dressed and fed by 9am. Limited time on electronic devices too - again age dependent but is also a good punishment ! My two always come off at the right time as they know the punishment for not doing so is a complete loss of electronic privileges for a whole week !
- WORK - Agree on work hours - these are obviously not going to be 9 to 5. If both parents are working from home, you need to agree on a fair share of quality work time where one of you gets to have undisturbed time alone in a quiet space to work. The other one gets to work if they can but is the one responsible for the kids at that time and some household duties too like the shopping or making dinner. For single parents, this is obviously a lot harder, especially if the children are small so will have to work in shorter spells or get up early and work later in the evening when the children are in bed if at all possible.
- HOUSEWORK - kids need to muck in more than usual. When everyone lives and works at home the house gets a lot more messed up than normal. Things like keeping their room tidy, making their bed, putting their dirty clothes in the linen basket, bringing dirty plates and cups out of their rooms daily, at the very least. They could also earn extra pocket money perhaps by cleaning the car or the windows. For little ones, they can help you to load the washing machine, put away their toys, help make a cake for dinner (including tidying up after) or clean the bath. Things that take time, like shopping or preparing dinner, can be done by one parent with the kids , it's a good opportunity for the other to get on with some work. If you've planned it that way, it's more likely to workout.
As a family, draw up a routine that everyone can agree to. Include
- Parents work times
- See previously, have set times for each of you, but be flexible too and don't expect to be able to do a full days work
- School work times
- Set some time aside to help the children do some school work.It doesn't need to be hours every day. Take advantage of being at home to put them to bed each night and read a story. Hopefully the UK schools will be as good as the French - my kids are getting work every day. If you are stuck for ideas BBC bitesize is good plus an online education company like Blackhen education who we use, you can sign up for free resources for all ages.
- Alone time - I have one child that happily plays alone for hours, the other hates playing alone, constantly needs interaction and talks incessantly ! So in their routine they have times where they must play alone - whether that's in their room, in the garden etc It does not include electronic time. It must be something like reading a book or playing lego, quietly on their own.
- Together time
- See above. To make it fair, they also have to play together for a set period of time. It's also important that parents play with their kids too so we will have a family board game or a family walk at some point during the week (but not necessarily every day)
- Excercise
- Get out for a walk (if restrictions allow) together. I took my two for walks of several km when they were toddlers - certainly wore them out ! If you are confined to the house do something like yoga, together - there's loads of free you tube videos now.
- Meal times
- Try and have regular mealtimes when you all sit down together or if the kids are tiny, when the parents sit down together. It's also a chance to talk about the day and how it's gone. Older children can make dinner (or help) and also have a schedule for who does the washing up. My kids can choose whether to wash up by hand or use the dishwasher - if they choose the dishwasher they then have to unload it in the morning too.
As the days go by you'll find some things work, others don't. The most important thing is to be flexible. If your partner has an important conference call that is during 'your work time' you need to be flexible, but also try and respect the others time - try and schedule meetings to 'your work time' where possible.
If the kids have been great at doing their school work then reward them with extra time with something they want to do, but they also need to understand that in return somedays you really do not have time to play that Monopoly game or watch Frozen again.
Each week (or more often if needed), sit down and chat about what's working and what isn't. If everyone agrees what is fair, they are more likely to stick with it and follow the rules and routine.
Don't expect to be super 'parent' - no doubt there will soon be millions of you tube videos on how to be the perfect home schooling parent who has time to look stunning, make healthy meals for the kids and help them with their trigonometry - real life is not like that. Your kids will be fine with a ham sandwich on white bread for lunch in fact many of them can make it themselves. My kids certainly have had to fend for themselves during the summer time when we were rushed off our feet and they were much littler than they are now.
TALK ! Let everyone express an opinion, talk about what's going on. Use video calls to have a chat with a co worker or a friend. Don't get wound up and end up having a huge argument whether that's with your partner, teen or toddler ! Compromise is key.
Remember - this is not forever - the crisis will end, hopefully sooner rather than later. By September things will start getting back to some sort of normality with the children back in school and all of us back at work. If some days your kids are sat in front of a screen all day - it's not the end of the world !
Be kind to yourself and others. Everyone's stressed, you have enough to cope with without arguing on Facebook about how much loo roll people are stockpiling. Take a deep breath and look after yourselves and your family.
